After an eventful day Saturday I woke up Sunday feeling ill. I was hoping the little bug would quickly go away because the last thing I needed was to get sick. All Sunday night I tossed and turned… throat burning and keeping me up because of its itchy tightness. I was pretty sure that when I finally woke up this morning I would only feel worse.
I felt better.
Still, I got up and made me some freshly squeezed orange juice and headed to Sprouts for more. Along with cough drops, I got some water and prepared to fight this thing out as naturally as I could. I had no plans of buying any medicine because 1. I wasn’t sure if it was a cold, sinuses, or whatever else the options were, and 2. The medicine doesn’t cure the illness. It simply numbs you to it to a certain extent as it makes its way out of you.
Medicine numbs you as sickness naturally makes its way out of you.
That’s when it hit me – I have been numbing myself to the natural sickness that has been trying to make its way out of me. No, I’m not talking about this cold that I’m currently battling. I’m talking about this sickness of self-sabotage.
See, self-sabotage isn’t always blatant. Sometimes it’s a tricky little booger. Sometimes it presents itself as something as simple as choosing NOT to take the first step when what you truly want is at step three. Or something as simple as NOT learning how to do something that will clearly open other doors for you. Or allowing fear to keep you from the next level. Or allowing comfort to keep you from reaching your full potential. Or settling for less than you deserve because you don’t want to better yourself and put in the work. Or simply staying stagnant because that’s easier than failing… when failure only comes from not trying.
You get the point.
Self-sabotage is the act of getting in your OWN way. Procrastination. Extreme and unhealthy modesty. Acting AGAINST yourself. Basically, self-sabotage is committing actions (or not committing necessary actions) that interfere with your goals and growth. It’s when you’re your OWN worst enemy.
Now that we’ve gotten that out of the way I’m sure you’re wondering what does any of this have to do with this blog post? Well, this blog is kind of like my way of looking at my life from the outside in… in hopes that it will help you on your journey. The lesson that I learned today is that I must stop sabotaging myself. I have to stop doing those little things that have big impacts on my life.
Example – In all of my 27 years of life I have had absolutely no desire to drive on the expressway. It has never really been a problem until this year. This year I’ve desired not only to travel once a month but visit book clubs and festivals in other states as well. Yes, I can fly or ride the bus… but it would be a heck of a lot cheaper and more convenient to drive. Plus, I’d be able to lug all of the luggage and/or books I want, and have my own personal space. The problem with this is that I don’t drive on the expressway. My lack of a desire to drive has kept me from doing the two main things I’ve wanted to do all year. It’s so freaking simple, B. Just drive. Just get on the expressway and drive. In my stubborn and self-sabotaging ways I’ve unknowingly kept myself back by not driving on the expressway.
Sometimes it can be something as simple as this or as big as not going back to school to better your life for whatever reason. Or staying in that unhealthy relationship because you don’t think you deserve better. Or procrastinating and not going after that job because you’re insecure. Or overeating because you’re lonely and too afraid to go out and make new friends.
I don’t know what your cold is. What your sickness is. What your medicine has been numbing you to. If you’d like to share, feel free to do so. In the meantime, I’m going to drive. I’m going to drive and I’m going to live.