Understand, love isn’t everything! Self-love Sunday!

Understand, love isn’t everything! Self-love Sunday!

Understand, love isn’t everything!

I’m sure this is going to sound weird for me to say… but love is NOT everything. People think that just because they love someone that’s all it’s going to take to make a relationship work. Just because you love someone that doesn’t mean that that person is going to love you back or treat you right, or see what they have in you and commit to you. Love isn’t even the tip of the iceberg. With love alone a person can still cheat, let you go, be abusive, take you for granted, take advantage of you, put everything and everyone else above you and do whatever they want to do.

I remember men saying that they loved me as if that was enough to right the wrong they’d just done. Honey told me he loved me right after I found out he’d married someone else and that right there confirmed what I’d always felt… love is not everything.

What’s love got to do with it? Without friendship, compassion, understanding, commitment, communication, consistency, honesty, faithfulness, trust, dedication, and a willingness to make the relationship work love has absolutely nothing to do with anything!

Now don’t get me wrong, I love to love. I love romance. I love relationships. I love marriage. But love alone has no staying power. Let me paint you a picture of what love alone looks like.

I love K.M. He was my first true love. My first real boyfriend. Yea, I’d had boyfriends in middle and high school but he was my first real boyfriend. You know… dates, meeting the family and spending holidays with both sides, spending nights together, sex… you know. To be honest I gave him husband privileges while he was just my boyfriend, but yea, he was my first real boyfriend. And I love him. I always will. When I let you inside my heart and I love you… I love you. That’s that. There’s no coming back from that. No matter how many people we date. No matter who we commit to.

When I love you I will always love you.

It doesn’t matter how many years go by when I see him it’s like not even a day has gone by since we last saw each other. The vibe and the connection is real. He cuts me no slack and I go hard on him.

Because he saw my potential. Because he knows that I can be someone great; but I have a bad habit of holding myself back. Because I know that he is motivated by money and does whatever is needed to live the life he thinks he wants but he ignores what he needs and doesn’t put that same amount of drive and work into relationships.

I love him. And I know even in the midst of my craziness he loved me. So, when I see him… it’s nothing but love. Doesn’t matter if he has a girlfriend. Doesn’t matter if I have a boyfriend. No one else matters when I’m with him. I’ll always put him first like that, and if he were to come to me today and propose knowing how much I love him you know what I’d say? No. I’d go home and cry myself to sleep and regret it but I’d say no. Why? Because we didn’t have the rest of what we needed to make us work. Yes, I love him. Yes, I miss him. He was my best friend. But… without communication, compassion, understanding, respect… our love wasn’t enough to sustain us.

One more thing, forced love will never be appreciated or returned. I don’t care how much you want or think you love someone… you will never be enough for a man / woman who isn’t the one for you or ready for you. It doesn’t matter how much you give them and shower them with your love. It doesn’t matter if you make them your number one priority. You cannot force your love on someone and expect it to be returned. God doesn’t force His love on His children, why would you? If people can willingly deny His love… what makes you think they’re going to accept yours? Value yourself and what you have to offer. Give yourself and your love only to those that value you and can return all that you have to offer.

Familiarity breeds contempt. The more of your love and yourself that you give someone the less they will respect and value you. If they’re not dedicated and committed to you… the more you give I can pretty much guarantee you they will value, appreciate, and respect you less. They’re going to take all you have to offer… why wouldn’t they? Why would they pay for something you’re giving them freely? But that’s not going to keep them from finding someone else. That’s not going to stop them from considering you to be just an option.

With Honey, I used to say… he has to love me. He keeps coming back to me. He keeps calling me and texting me and trying to see me and have sex with me. He can’t let me go. He’s said it himself… he’s addicted to me. Truth of the matter was; those weren’t the actions of a man who loved me. Those were the actions of a man who lusted me. Those were the actions of a man who made himself unavailable to me emotionally but still wanted me mentally and physically. He didn’t want to commit to me, but he wanted to always have access to me. He didn’t want to give me anything, but he wanted to be able to call me whenever he needed prayer, support, encouragement, money, or sex.

Increase demand by limiting supply. Don’t demand that someone loves you and appreciates you and respects you. Command it naturally by removing yourself from their life. Let them gain value for you by not having you. If they’re worthy of you they will come back and realize the wrong in their doing. If they aren’t worthy of you they will fade away and keep you from wasting anymore of your time and energy on someone who doesn’t respect or appreciate it. Action expresses priority. Priority expresses value. If that person doesn’t value you they’re not going to make you a priority. If that person doesn’t see you as a priority don’t force yourself on them. You won’t be getting them to see what they’re missing in you; you will be convincing them of just how far you’re willing to go to have pieces of them.

[1] Love, while not easy, isn’t meant to rip your heart out. – Unknown

[2] When you love someone the best thing you can offer them is your presence. How can you love and you are not there? – Thich Nhat Hanh.



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