Saving All My Love for You – Full first chapter

Saving All My Love for You – Full first chapter

Heeeyyyy!

Tomorrow I’m releasing this baby… hope you’re ready for the ride! Keep scrolling for the synopsis and the full first chapter!!

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Synopsis –

After giving birth at the age of sixteen, Harlem promised to give her son the world – no matter how hard fulfilling that promise made her life. Two years after Hayden’s birth, Harlem finds herself trying to juggle being a mother, starting college, keeping her business running, and moving out of her brother’s home. Although he and his wife want nothing more than to help Harlem and Hayden, there’s only one person Harlem will ever share the responsibility of raising her son with. His father. Tage Young.

Tage Young’s life had been mapped out for him from the womb. He was expected to follow in his father’s footsteps and play in the NFL. Unlike his father, however, Tage was supposed to play long enough to make sure his parents and the rest of his family would be financially taken care of for the rest of their lives. That plan almost came to a halt when Tage and Harlem became parents. Tage foolishly allowed his parents to talk him into not only leaving Memphis for school, but leaving Harlem and Hayden as well.

Two years later, Tage has seemingly realized the error of his ways. He wants to fix things with his son… and Harlem. He wants to live for himself. Be his own man. A father to his son. A husband to Harlem. There’s just one thing standing in the way of that – Harlem. Over the past two years she’s saved her love and allowed no man to have access to it because of the heartache she experienced dealing with Tage. And if he thinks she’s going to allow him to waltz back into her life and heart… well… he’s got another thing coming! Or does she?

Sneak peek –

Being with Tage left me in ruins. Hayden, our two-year-old son made those ruins beautiful, but Tage ruined me. Not in that typical romantic sexy way. Where the man makes it impossible for any other man to be with the woman. No. I mean Tage ruined me. Destroyed my soul. Left my heart broken and open… love for him seeping out… only to decay.

Woah.

That’s way too deep and depressing.

Especially as I sit here and watch our son gobble up the ice cream that his auntie Charlie knows good and damn well I told her he couldn’t have! But Hayden was like Tage in that way. He had this… unspoken charm that would cause you to fold and give him just about anything he could ever ask you for.

So let me start from the beginning.

I met Tage my freshman year of high school. He was a sophomore and far more familiar with the school and classes than I was. With no idea of which direction to go, there I was – standing in the middle of the hall frozen while everyone around me made their way to where they needed to be. When Tage first approached me my head was down as I looked at my schedule, so I didn’t see anything but his feet at the sound of his voice.

He asked me what class I was trying to find, and at the sound of his voice my eyes closed. My heart fluttered. My body shivered. No, it wasn’t because his voice was like that of a god. It wasn’t all deep or melodious or smooth. It wasn’t so much how his voice sounded but how his voice made me feel. Then I looked up and into his eyes and fell hopelessly in puppy love and lust with his fine ass!

After staring so long my mouth moistened, Tage took my schedule from my hand with a smile and looked it over. He nodded and grabbed my hand, then led me to my class. I still hadn’t said anything to him by the time we made it to the door. Tage handed me my schedule back and that was that. He turned and left and the spell he had me under was broken.

It was then that I realized how stupid and immature I must’ve looked, but I couldn’t help it. Tage was the most beautiful boy I’d ever seen. The sight of him literally made me speechless. I spent my entire time in class daydreaming about him. It wasn’t until the bell rang and we were dismissed that I was pulled back into reality.

I made my way outside, and to my surprise… Tage was standing at the door. Waiting. For me. He walked me to my next class. And the next. And the next. That became our thing. He’d meet me at the same place every day and walk me to all of my classes. An entire week went by before I was able to finally talk to him… and when I did… that sealed our fate.

My sophomore year I got pregnant and here we are. Well, me and Hayden. This is where we are. Tage is in Alabama.

“All I’m saying is, Charlie and I have more than enough room for you and Hayden. Even with the new baby on the way. You don’t have to leave, Harlem. I wanted you to stay at least until you were 21 anyway.”

That was my boo. My big brother. Knight Carver. He was my hero. My heart. I moved in with him when I was four months pregnant. Our father, Princeton, told me that I had to get an abortion to stay with him because he wasn’t raising anymore kids. Of course I wasn’t going to do that, so Knight took me in.

He met his wife Charlie when we went to Bundled. She used to work there. I needed some maternity clothes and things for the baby and Charlie helped us. In more ways than one. They ended up getting married and having Knight Jr. Now Charlie’s pregnant with baby number two.

They both do so much for Hayden and I appreciate all they’ve done for me, but I just feel as if the time has come for me to be on my own. Their family is growing and I don’t want to stand in the way of what they have going on. They couldn’t even really enjoy their newlywed phase because I was in the house with a newborn baby. Of course they would never say that, but I just don’t want us to be in the way anymore. It’s time for me and Hayden to go.

“I hear you, boo, and I really appreciate you and Charlie, but it’s time to go. I’m 18. I’ll be starting college in a few months. My store is doing great thanks to you. It’s time, Knight.”

After Hayden was born I opened a dropship clothing business. With the help of Charlie, I pulled in twenty thousand my first year open. I did drop shipping for two years, and on my eighteenth birthday Knight bought me a storefront. Now I have my own clothing store – Hayden’s Corner.

So at this point it really didn’t matter what Knight and Charlie said. They’ve done so much for me that I just straight up refuse to take any more help from them. Thanks to them I’m doing a lot better than most people twice my age financially. I’ve got my beautiful yet crazy little boy. My business is doing great and I’ll be starting school soon. What more could I ask of them?

“But college isn’t like high school, Harlem. I won’t be there to wake your ass up and make sure you get to school on time. Charlie won’t be there to ask you about homework and projects. It will all be on you. Do you really think you can handle college, the business, bills and cooking and cleaning on top of taking care of Hayden?”

Well, when he said it like that it sounded like a lot. I wouldn’t tell him that, though.

“I can do all things through Christ who is my strength, Knight.”

“You and Charlie always quoting that scripture when I ask y’all the simplest questions.”

I chuckled and stood before answering.

“Where do you think I get it from? I’m going to be fine, Knight. Seriously. If I can’t handle it, I know that I can always come back here.”

As he talked I walked over to Hayden and squatted to kiss his wet, cold, ice cream covered lips.

“Fine. Let’s make a deal. You stay here until the winter. Until Christmas break. Just to give yourself time to get adjusted to school. And if you still want to leave I’ll move your stuff out myself.”

“Fair enough. Deal,” I directed my attention to Hayden who was too busy making a mess with his ice cream to notice I was getting ready to leave. “I love you, baby. I’ll see you tonight. Be good, okay?”

Hayden nodded while finally putting his spoon down and looking at me.

“Where you going?”

With a roll of my eyes I stood and went to grab my purse. Knight was always asking me where I was going. Now he had Hayden doing it.

“Work. Is that okay with you?”

Hayden shrugged and nodded again. He returned his attention to his ice cream and started eating again.

“You’re not going to tell me you love me back, DenDen?”

“I love you too,” he grumbled. Like I was getting on his nerves. I swear between Tage and Knight, Hayden had the spirit of a grumpy, impatient 80-year-old sometimes.

Knight chuckled as he walked me to the door.

“Thanks again for watching him.”

“You don’t have to thank me for watching my nephew, sweetheart.”

Now I was the one nodding while I hugged him.

“I know, but thanks anyway.”

I rushed out of the door before Knight could say anything else. Really I didn’t have to go to the store every day, but I chose to. It was my way of getting out of the house and having a break. By the time I finished dealing with employees, customers, payroll, shipments and inventory on top of promotion and marketing it never really was a break, but whatever. It was a break from being in the house and I needed that.

Before Hayden I was hardly ever at home. After Hayden I became a homebody. The store was my way of getting out without feeling guilty about being away from my son. It wasn’t like I was hanging with friends or clubbing or no shit like that. I hardly hung out with my best friend anymore. Princess was my ace, but after I had Hayden… I didn’t want to do anything but stay home and lay up with him.

For the first year Princess was very understanding of that. She would always come over and kick it with us. I would go out with her maybe once every two months or so. Eventually she got to the point where she stopped trying to hang with me and I completely understand that. This was her time to be wild and free, not cooped up in the house kicking it with me and my DenDen.

Every blue moon she stopped by or we’d go out. Sometimes she’d stop by the store. But for the most part we only talked at school. Now with it being summer break I wasn’t expecting to see her for a while.

Every day, though, she FaceTimed Hayden after I got home and got him settled. I was sure we’d always be best friends. Just… best friends traveling down two completely different paths. All I could do was pray that she wised up and saw what that path got me and slowed her hot ass down.

I was almost at the store when I got a call from Tage. Just the sight of his name on my phone had me rolling my eyes. It’s crazy how you could hate someone just as much as you used to love them. I started to not answer. He couldn’t talk to Hayden since I wasn’t around him, and I most definitely didn’t want to talk to him. I found myself putting his call on the Bluetooth in my car and answering anyway.

“Hello?”

“Hey, what’s up?”

I rolled my eyes again as my grip on the steering wheel tightened. Hating Tage wasn’t something I wanted to do… to feel. If anything, hating him came from not being able to really love him.

“What’s up?”

“I’m coming home. I’ll be there tomorrow.”

“Cool. I’ll take Hayden to your house in the morning.”

“Thanks, Harlem.”

Before I had Hayden, Tage had the hardest time telling his parents that I was pregnant. When he finally told them his father made it perfectly clear that he didn’t want Hayden to ruin Tage’s future and chance of being in the NFL. Between my brother and Tage’s brother it seemed like they were able to talk some sense into Tage. He promised he’d be there for me and the baby.

He wasn’t.

Tage didn’t start seeing Hayden until he was six months old.

It wasn’t until Hayden was one that Tage starting seeing him consistently. He’d come back to Memphis every weekend to spend time with Hayden. Because I didn’t want to see him I dropped Hayden off with Tage’s mother, Patricia. That was hard in itself to do because I couldn’t stand Tage’s father, but I put up with him for Hayden.

I haven’t seen Tage in a little over a year, and to be honest, I don’t know how I’d handle seeing him at this point. Tage wasn’t just my first love. My high school sweetheart. He was the first person besides Princess that I truly allowed myself to be myself with. He was the first person that I expressed my grief over losing my mother to. He was my best friend. My greatest disappointment and heartache. And every time I think about the fact that he just tossed Hayden and me to the side…

“No problem.”

I was about to disconnect the call but his voice stopped me.

“Harlem?”

“Yea?”

He didn’t speak right away. Seconds passed before I heard him breathe heavily into the phone.

“Nothing.”

“Okay.”

Without waiting for him to say more I disconnected the call. Yea, I definitely wouldn’t be able to handle seeing him. Not when I could hardly stand hearing his voice.

Until tomorrow…

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When it comes down to who you give yourself to, choose wisely.

When it comes down to who you give yourself to, choose wisely.

 When it comes down to who you give yourself to, choose wisely! 

I’d like to think that… because I’m bearing my heart and soul to you in such an intimate way that you and I are friends. That we have something in common. So, because of that connection I feel like I can be completely raw and honest with you as I write.

With that out of the way, in all honesty, I don’t regret anything that I’ve done in my past relationships. I don’t regret giving myself and my all to the men that I’ve given myself to. Me giving myself wasn’t the problem. When and who I chose to give myself to was the problem. With the last guy, Honey, I chose to love him and commit to him and he didn’t deserve me, nor could he understand and return my love. Everything that I experienced with him and because of him wasn’t just his fault. I share the blame too – more than him actually, because I chose to love him and open myself up to him and all that he came with.

Now had I taken the time to really get to know him instead of moving so fast and so reckless because of the connection we shared I would’ve found out that he had a daughter. That even though he said he broke up with his fiancée he was still spending time with her. That he was severely attached to her children. That he never took responsibility for what he did wrong. That he didn’t really know how to love and be faithful. That even though he loved the idea of me and the idea of being with me I wasn’t a priority to him because of everything else he had going on.

Imagine a bank account. You know you can make withdrawals and you can make deposits, right? What happens if you’re constantly making withdrawals without depositing any money into your account? Eventually, you’re going to run out of money and your account is going to overdraft because you’ve used more than you’ve deposited. That’s exactly how it was with him.

He was withdrawing so much from me and I was allowing him to because of the love I had for him.

Ultimately, it got to the point where I was empty. My emotions and my mental were negative – unstable.

I wasn’t even myself. I was putting up with things I never thought I would. Doing things I never thought I would. All because I was in love. And I loved him more than I loved me.

I can’t front… had he loved me back the way that I needed to be loved it would have been cool. I wouldn’t be writing this post, and the account of my heart would be in good standing. But had that happened you wouldn’t be reading this. I guess everything happens as it should for a reason. I was forced to close his account and block his access to my heart, and I don’t regret it one bit.

Is there someone in your life that you need to cut off?[1] Someone who makes more withdrawals than they do deposits? Take inventory of who you’re giving access to yourself to.

[1] I’m very picky with whom I give my energy to. I prefer to reserve my time, intensity and spirit exclusively to those who reflect sincerity. – Dau Voire

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Woman, take pride in yourself!

Woman, take pride in yourself!

Self-esteem: A feeling of pride in yourself.

Nothing beats a great compliment. When insecurities slip in after you’ve spent hours on your hair or trying to find the perfect outfit the words of someone else can make or break your spirit. There is a yearning inside of every woman… a desire to be loved and to feel significant. There is a need for validation. Even if we choose to not admit it… we love attention. We love being told that we’re beautiful, that we’re loved, and that we’re special.

There is nothing wrong with that. It’s actually quite normal. The problem is that we seek this validation from man instead of the only being that can truly give us the validation we desire – God. Woman, I’m here to tell you today, that if anyone diminishes your worth, remember you are God’s creation and to Him you are beautiful!

“Genesis 1:1 Trust this: God created the heavens and the earth- all you see and don’t see.

Genesis 1:31 God looked on everything He had made; it was good, so very good!” MESSAGE

God’s love should be the foundation for your self-esteem.

Not only did God choose to create the world, He also chose to create YOU. Why? Simply put, God is love. And contrary to popular belief love is best expressed through actions, not words and feelings; and that action is directed toward the object of its love. God created you as an expression of love.

How amazing of a feeling it is to be a part of God’s creation. The creation that He was pleased with. The creation that He saw was very good. If ever there is a time that your self-esteem is low, and your confidence isn’t where it should be, remember this; you are valuable to God!

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ALWAYS wear a heart condom! Self-love Sunday!

ALWAYS wear a heart condom! Self-love Sunday!

Always wear a heart condom!

We all desire love, to be wanted, to be accepted, to have healthy relationships, and we crave these things because we were created by a relational God – who created us to love us and be loved by us. God commands us to love Him with all our hearts, minds, and souls. Yes, we are commanded to love God and out of the overflow of that love we are to love and receive love from others. We were created to have a relationship with God through Jesus Christ, and out of that relationship we are to have relationships with others.

More often than not we seek to have our desires for love and relation filled by men and women and not God. Anytime you go to anyone or anything with God sized desires and expectations you’re bound to be disappointed. Because of this we have these huge expectations that lead to problems and needs not being met in relationships.

We seek to have the perfect love from imperfect people.

Consider a cup with cracks all along the cup. You can fill the cup with water and it may last for a while… but eventually the water

will seep out and the cup will be empty again. That’s how our hearts are. We have a hole in our hearts that only God can fill. We can try to fill that hole with other things or people and we may even be satisfied temporarily but eventually the water, the love, the satisfaction, will seep out. Man can cover but only God can fill. It’s only when you allow God to fill you with His love that you can genuinely experience that selfless godly love that we so desire from humans. Sadly, so many people are ignorant of this fact.

People are always talking about physical intimacy and protecting our bodies during sex, but no sex is safe sex when done in sin. There is an intimacy that is just as important and sometimes more powerful and dangerous than physical intimacy. Emotional, spiritual, mental intimacy. When we open our hearts for love we leave ourselves open for hurt and for being wounded, and emotional wounds are dangerous because unlike physical wounds they can’t be seen. They are often ignored – left festering, growing and causing deeper pain and heartache than to begin with.

Love and relationships are a beautiful thing but it’s not this worldly love we grew up on. True love is the love of God. Agape. It’s selfless. It’s sacrificial. It’s freely given not earned. It’s unconditional and unending. It’s expressed through action, and out of that action feelings commonly expressed with love are felt. In order for us to experience such an intimacy we must open our hearts to accept and give love. So, to protect ourselves from unnecessary pain and brokenness in our hearts, lives, and relationships with God and others I suggest wearing a heart condom.

The best way to protect your heart is to have a personal relationship with God. Allow Him to fill your heart with His love. Then, you will be able to give and receive love. Be wise in all matters of the heart. Be wise when picking mates. Embrace the opportunity for hurt, but only give that opportunity to someone who’s trustworthy. A man or woman so fearful of breaking God’s heart that they won’t play with yours.

Keep God first and let Him lead you in your relationships. Don’t allow intimacy to grow before commitment. Make sure you are the one and ready for a relationship before you jump into a relationship. Be content with yourself and your life. Love God and love yourself or you’ll never be able to love and be loved by someone else.

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New release!

New release!

Now available on Amazon!

Click here!

Andreas Mahailey was the Boss to the bosses of the Mahailey crime family. When he is murdered he relinquishes his throne to the one person his organization least expects – Isa Mahailey. His wife.
As if grieving for her husband isn’t enough for one woman to handle, Isa is forced to head up an organization she never wanted to have anything to do with. In fact, Isa was trying to convince Andreas to leave the business and live a normal life before he was murdered. It was her love and loyalty towards him that caused her to stand by his side in the family; and it was that same love and loyalty that caused her to take his place after he died.
With time, Isa proves why Andreas chose her to replace him. The entire Mahailey family bows to her rule and gives her the respect she deserves except one person – Malin Mahailey. The youngest brother of Andreas.
It has been his desire since he was able to join the family business to rule the family business. With Andreas out of the way, Malin knew this would be his time to shine, and he refused to let Isa, his other brother Kenzo, or anyone else stand in the way of his reign.

Click here!

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Calling all the lost ones…

Calling all the lost ones…

Loneliness is a funny thing. Sometimes it will make you settle for things and relationships you don’t need just for the sake of not being alone. Or not having to start over again.

It’s a very dangerous thing to invest so much of yourself in a person or relationship that you lose yourself. When that relationship is over you end up feeling worse about yourself because of that persons denial of what you had to offer. You end up being empty because you’ve given so much without anything in return.

I am no stranger to losing yourself in a man. In my past I’ve been so in love with the IDEA of love that I’ve allowed relationships to consume me.

But hear me well; NEVER change your core self to be with someone. If they can’t accept who you are they are not the one for you. Now I’m not saying be stubborn and keep yourself from being in a healthy relationship because that person asked you to be consistent and you won’t… I’m saying… don’t change those things about you that make you you.

Like…

Your beliefs.

Your values.

Your dreams.

Your goals.

Your vision.

Your path of life.

Don’t allow a person to shape you into who they want because you won’t be able to recognize yourself. The facade will have you resenting them eventually. You’ll be so tied up in them that you will lose you and have nothing for yourself. Nothing of yourself. Nothing to offer.

Preserve your integrity.

Watch this video to find out how…

Click here!

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