Here’s another chapter from Heart on My Fingers: Tips for love, lust, and other stuff. Available for preorder now. Official release date – 4.26.16
Before you can have a healthy relationship with a man or woman you have to have a healthy relationship with yourself. Before you can have a healthy relationship with yourself you have to have a healthy relationship with God.
You have to be whole.
When you are whole you will not settle for being half loved. Half appreciated. Half valued. When you’re whole you won’t settle for being someone’s option when you’ve made them a priority. When you’re whole and you value yourself, you set the standard for how your partner should value you.
Your partner will value you the way you value yourself.
You set the standard for how they treat you.
You must master self.
Mastering self means that you love yourself. Respect yourself. Value yourself. It means that you have a healthy self-esteem.
It means that you take care of yourself spiritually, mentally, emotionally, financially, and physically.
If you master yourself and you place the same value that God has placed on you, you will attract a mate that will value you just as much. In God’s eyes, you are worth dying for. Don’t devalue God’s creation by lessening your very own value.
And on the off chance that you encounter someone who can’t mirror God’s value for you, because you are whole, you won’t settle for less than you deserve. You won’t settle for crumbs off of a man or woman’s table just for the sake of companionship. You will be strong and secure enough to leave that person.
Women especially, we have a tendency to allow men to rule us emotionally. They do this unknowingly and knowingly. This is a part of the punishment that we received because of Eve. Instead of seeking our love, validation, and worth from God, we seek it from the men in our lives. We allow them to rule over our hearts and we crave their approval and acceptance. When you master self, this need is controlled and manageable. You are aware of your need for these things, and you seek to have your hunger satisfied by God and by self.
Don’t seek without what must be found within. If you don’t take care of yourself and you look for someone else to take care of you, you’re going to become dependent on that person. If you seek love, happiness, and peace in someone else, you will feel pain, sadness, and unsettled within your spirit with them. Avoid giving that power to men and women.
Build yourself up and no one will have the power to break you down.
I cannot stress how important it is to be whole before you seek a romantic companionship. Your time of singleness should be your time of becoming whole. Although wholeness is really a lifelong process, a great deal of it should be done while you’re single. Consider singleness as your foundation for wholeness. Embrace being single as a time to be whole. To better you. To pursue your purpose. To give your all to things you won’t be able to when you tie yourself to a relationship.
While we’re talking about being whole, you don’t need a man or woman to complete you. Love isn’t about completion. Your mate should complement you, not complete you. There should be no 50/50. You both should give 100/100. Two half people don’t make a whole relationship. You both should be whole and satisfied in your singleness before you commit to each other.
Why? Because two people who aren’t whole will feed each other’s insecurities and what you both lack, instead of lifting each other up and bettering each other in a healthy life giving relationship. Men and women should be opposites, mirroring each other, giving what the other person in missing in their makeup as a man or woman; not what they’re missing because they’re incomplete and not whole.
While on the subject on complementing your mate, remember that men and women have different roles and functions. We get so caught up in equality that we forget that we were created differently for a reason. I don’t believe that women should initiate, I believe we should respond. The man should lead. A woman’s submission doesn’t make her weak. Women are very influential and that’s where their power lies. I mean, Eve did get Adam to betray God just to spend his life in sin with her.
What can I say? I’m a hopeless romantic. Adam was with Eve when she was deceived. I can just see him, being so influenced by her and in love with her that he ate that fruit because he knew that things were about to change; and he was committed to weathering whatever storm happened with her.
Not to say that Eve was right in doing that. As women, we need to use our influence over men for good. Just like men have a responsibility of making sure that they don’t rule our emotions and take God’s place in our lives, we have a responsibility to not use our influence to lead them into sin.