I’d like to think that… because I’m bearing my heart and soul to you in such an intimate way that you and I are friends. That we have something in common. So, because of that connection I feel like I can be completely raw and honest with you as I write.
With that out of the way, in all honesty, I don’t regret anything that I’ve done in my past relationships. I don’t regret giving myself and my all to the men that I’ve given myself to. Me giving myself wasn’t the problem. When and who I chose to give myself to was the problem. With the last guy, Honey, I chose to love him and commit to him and he didn’t deserve me, nor could he understand and return my love. Everything that I experienced with him and because of him wasn’t just his fault. I share the blame too – more than him actually, because I chose to love him and open myself up to him and all that he came with.
Now had I taken the time to really get to know him instead of moving so fast and so reckless because of the connection we shared I would’ve found out that he had a daughter. That even though he said he broke up with his fiancée he was still spending time with her. That he was severely attached to her children. That he never took responsibility for what he did wrong. That he didn’t really know how to love and be faithful. That even though he loved the idea of me and the idea of being with me I wasn’t a priority to him because of everything else he had going on.
Imagine a bank account. You know you can make withdrawals and you can make deposits, right? What happens if you’re constantly making withdrawals without depositing any money into your account? Eventually, you’re going to run out of money and your account is going to overdraft because you’ve used more than you’ve given. That’s exactly how it was with him.
He was withdrawing so much from me and I was allowing him to because of the love I had for him.
Ultimately, it got to the point where I was empty. My emotions and my mental were negative – unstable.
I wasn’t even myself. I was putting up with things I never thought I would. Doing things I never thought I would. All because I was in love. And I loved him more than I loved me.
I can’t front… had he loved me back the way that I needed to be loved it would have been cool. I wouldn’t be writing this book, and the account of my heart would be in good standing. But had that happened you wouldn’t be reading this. I guess everything happens as it should for a reason. I was forced to close his account and block his access to my heart, and I don’t regret it one bit.
Is there someone in your life that you need to cut off? Someone who makes more withdrawals than they do deposits? Take inventory of who you’re giving access to yourself to.