I’m sitting here preparing to pour out my soul in hopes that all of the mistakes that I’ve made, wisdom I’ve gained, lessons I’ve learned, and love that I’ve given that has been returned will touch just one soul. It is my prayer that someone is inspired, encouraged, strengthened or even healed by the words to follow in this book.
The last relationship I was in almost destroyed me and left me hollow with absolutely no desire to try and love again. I questioned God, ‘What did I do to deserve this pain? Why am I not worthy of a genuine, healthy, and loving relationship?’ He didn’t answer in a way that I wanted Him to. I just wrote. Poems, quotes, everything I did wrong and right. Everything they did wrong and right. And then I realized… this is the reason why.
This book and the accompanying poetry collection is the reason why.
So, I hope that in the midst of me finding the purpose in my pain you find inspiration, help, and wisdom… something that will speak to you so my pain won’t be in vain.
I am a relational being. I love to love. I love romance. I love relationships. I love marriage. I love family. That’s. Just. How. I’m. Built. So, when I began to have these horrible experiences in relationships my heart was shattered. Broken. Bruised. Scarred. I felt… as if… I wasn’t fulfilling the one thing I was created to do. Love and be loved. First by God and then others.
Most of my relationships were filled with lies. Cheating. Fighting. Disloyalty. Betrayal. And they left me with fear. Fear of loving and losing. Fear of not being enough. Fear of giving my all to a man who wouldn’t appreciate me and return what I had to offer. I lacked trust. I lacked love. I didn’t want to love because I thought love was the same as pain. I lacked the essence of my womanhood… emotionality. I didn’t want to feel anymore. I was angry. Bitter. Resentful. I didn’t want to try anymore.
I was wounded. Mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. My heart had been scarred.
And it literally hurt me to even think about loving a man again. And that was devastating. Because I love to love. And the thought of not being able to experience that consumed me. And put me in an even more miserable state.
But then I realized something…
My pain… fueled my purpose and my passion. All of those failed relationships showed me what I wanted and didn’t want from a man. Who I wanted to be and who I didn’t want to be for a man. Those failed relationships, just like failed tests and trials from God, strengthened my character. They allowed me to grow as a woman.
They helped me mature spiritually.
Those relationships allowed me to learn lessons and have wisdom to share with others. Those relationships became testimonies. Healing. Wholeness. Those relationships gave me a passion to help others receive healing and wholeness in their relationships. And that is what this book is about.
The scars that cover my heart and spirit are proof of my strength. By the grace of God. They are beauty marks.
They are blemishes that humble me and remind me that I’m not perfect. That no man or human being is. And that I can’t expect a perfect love from an imperfect man. Only God can love me perfectly. Unconditionally. They remind me to seek Him first and above all.
If I allowed my failed relationships to make me a failure, I’d be denying myself of the life-giving power that is love. And love is too beautiful of a thing to miss out on. So, I pray that as you read about my past relationships that you will find the strength to seek God, healing, freedom, and beauty in the midst of your scars and humility in your blemishes. And those blemishes give you power to be brave.
Heart on My Fingers 4.26.16