DON’T EXPECT what you DON’T INSPECT

DON’T EXPECT what you DON’T INSPECT

Heart on My Fingers is right around the corner!

Here’s the final chapter I’m going to share before its release!

Expectation stems from the potential of what you think a person or relationship can be in your life. The problem with unmet or unrealistic expectations is that when whatever you were expecting doesn’t happen the way you thought it would you are disappointed.

Expectations aren’t fair. The reason why expectations aren’t fair is because we have a tendency to blame the person that we were expecting something from. If you’re expecting something from a person that they agreed to give you that’s fine, and you have every right to be disappointed; but if you’re expecting something from someone that they have no intentions of giving you, or don’t even know that you require, you cannot blame them. You have to blame yourself.

More often than not, we expect something from someone and when we don’t get it we make that person feel as if they aren’t doing what they should be. Like they don’t have anything to offer. Like it’s their fault that we aren’t satisfied. And that my friends leads to insecurity.

With K.M I expected so much from him. I expected him to be my boyfriend, my provider, my best friend, my lover, my father, my everything. He hadn’t signed on for all of that but he tried to do all he could for me and still do what he needed to do for himself, his family, and his daughter.

I didn’t realize how much of a weight I was putting on him. I felt like he wasn’t giving me what I needed when honestly it wasn’t his job to. But when we broke up and I had the chance to look at everything he’d done and everything I’d done and I realized one of the biggest mistakes I made with him was expecting so much from him, and when he couldn’t supply I disrespected him and what he tried to offer.

With Honey I expected him to understand that I’d been hurt before. That I’d just gotten out of a situation similar to his, and because I told him and he promised he wouldn’t put me in that type of situation again I expected him to do right by me.

I had every right to be mad at Honey when he fell through with what he promised me. On the other hand – I had absolutely no right to be mad at K.M or even be disappointed when he couldn’t do what I wanted him to. The sooner you realize what you require from a person the better, and when you meet someone let them know what you need from them and what you will be expecting.

If they can give it, great! If they can’t don’t settle. Move on. If you settle and they disappoint one or both of you are going to walk away from that relationship damaged. Communicate. And remember, you can’t expect what you don’t inspect.

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Master Self

Master Self

Here’s another chapter from Heart on My Fingers: Tips for love, lust, and other stuff. Available for preorder now. Official release date – 4.26.16

Before you can have a healthy relationship with a man or woman you have to have a healthy relationship with yourself. Before you can have a healthy relationship with yourself you have to have a healthy relationship with God.

You have to be whole.

When you are whole you will not settle for being half loved. Half appreciated. Half valued. When you’re whole you won’t settle for being someone’s option when you’ve made them a priority. When you’re whole and you value yourself, you set the standard for how your partner should value you.

Your partner will value you the way you value yourself.

You set the standard for how they treat you.

You must master self.

Mastering self means that you love yourself. Respect yourself. Value yourself. It means that you have a healthy self-esteem.

It means that you take care of yourself spiritually, mentally, emotionally, financially, and physically.

If you master yourself and you place the same value that God has placed on you, you will attract a mate that will value you just as much. In God’s eyes, you are worth dying for. Don’t devalue God’s creation by lessening your very own value.

And on the off chance that you encounter someone who can’t mirror God’s value for you, because you are whole, you won’t settle for less than you deserve. You won’t settle for crumbs off of a man or woman’s table just for the sake of companionship. You will be strong and secure enough to leave that person.

Women especially, we have a tendency to allow men to rule us emotionally. They do this unknowingly and knowingly. This is a part of the punishment that we received because of Eve. Instead of seeking our love, validation, and worth from God, we seek it from the men in our lives. We allow them to rule over our hearts and we crave their approval and acceptance. When you master self, this need is controlled and manageable. You are aware of your need for these things, and you seek to have your hunger satisfied by God and by self.

Don’t seek without what must be found within. If you don’t take care of yourself and you look for someone else to take care of you, you’re going to become dependent on that person. If you seek love, happiness, and peace in someone else, you will feel pain, sadness, and unsettled within your spirit with them. Avoid giving that power to men and women.

Build yourself up and no one will have the power to break you down.

I cannot stress how important it is to be whole before you seek a romantic companionship. Your time of singleness should be your time of becoming whole. Although wholeness is really a lifelong process, a great deal of it should be done while you’re single. Consider singleness as your foundation for wholeness. Embrace being single as a time to be whole. To better you. To pursue your purpose. To give your all to things you won’t be able to when you tie yourself to a relationship.

While we’re talking about being whole, you don’t need a man or woman to complete you. Love isn’t about completion. Your mate should complement you, not complete you. There should be no 50/50. You both should give 100/100. Two half people don’t make a whole relationship. You both should be whole and satisfied in your singleness before you commit to each other.

Why? Because two people who aren’t whole will feed each other’s insecurities and what you both lack, instead of lifting each other up and bettering each other in a healthy life giving relationship. Men and women should be opposites, mirroring each other, giving what the other person in missing in their makeup as a man or woman; not what they’re missing because they’re incomplete and not whole.

While on the subject on complementing your mate, remember that men and women have different roles and functions. We get so caught up in equality that we forget that we were created differently for a reason. I don’t believe that women should initiate, I believe we should respond. The man should lead. A woman’s submission doesn’t make her weak. Women are very influential and that’s where their power lies. I mean, Eve did get Adam to betray God just to spend his life in sin with her.

What can I say? I’m a hopeless romantic. Adam was with Eve when she was deceived. I can just see him, being so influenced by her and in love with her that he ate that fruit because he knew that things were about to change; and he was committed to weathering whatever storm happened with her.

Not to say that Eve was right in doing that. As women, we need to use our influence over men for good. Just like men have a responsibility of making sure that they don’t rule our emotions and take God’s place in our lives, we have a responsibility to not use our influence to lead them into sin.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

When it comes down to who you give yourself to – choose wisely.

When it comes down to who you give yourself to – choose wisely.

I’d like to think that… because I’m bearing my heart and soul to you in such an intimate way that you and I are friends. That we have something in common. So, because of that connection I feel like I can be completely raw and honest with you as I write.

With that out of the way, in all honesty, I don’t regret anything that I’ve done in my past relationships. I don’t regret giving myself and my all to the men that I’ve given myself to. Me giving myself wasn’t the problem. When and who I chose to give myself to was the problem. With the last guy, Honey, I chose to love him and commit to him and he didn’t deserve me, nor could he understand and return my love. Everything that I experienced with him and because of him wasn’t just his fault. I share the blame too – more than him actually, because I chose to love him and open myself up to him and all that he came with.

Now had I taken the time to really get to know him instead of moving so fast and so reckless because of the connection we shared I would’ve found out that he had a daughter. That even though he said he broke up with his fiancée he was still spending time with her. That he was severely attached to her children. That he never took responsibility for what he did wrong. That he didn’t really know how to love and be faithful. That even though he loved the idea of me and the idea of being with me I wasn’t a priority to him because of everything else he had going on.

Imagine a bank account. You know you can make withdrawals and you can make deposits, right? What happens if you’re constantly making withdrawals without depositing any money into your account? Eventually, you’re going to run out of money and your account is going to overdraft because you’ve used more than you’ve given. That’s exactly how it was with him.

He was withdrawing so much from me and I was allowing him to because of the love I had for him.

Ultimately, it got to the point where I was empty. My emotions and my mental were negative – unstable.

I wasn’t even myself. I was putting up with things I never thought I would. Doing things I never thought I would. All because I was in love. And I loved him more than I loved me.

I can’t front… had he loved me back the way that I needed to be loved it would have been cool. I wouldn’t be writing this book, and the account of my heart would be in good standing. But had that happened you wouldn’t be reading this. I guess everything happens as it should for a reason. I was forced to close his account and block his access to my heart, and I don’t regret it one bit.

Is there someone in your life that you need to cut off? Someone who makes more withdrawals than they do deposits? Take inventory of who you’re giving access to yourself to.quotescover-JPG-46

 

New Release! – Power and Elle: A Memphis Love Story

New Release! – Power and Elle: A Memphis Love Story

Power and Elle: A Memphis Love Story is now available for purchase!

Synopsis

When Power approached Elle, love was the last thing on her mind. She had just gotten out of a relationship with a man who cheated on her because she devoted so much time to her dancing career. The last thing she wanted to do was get distracted and be disappointed by a failed relationship or be the reason a man fell for her and not be able to catch him.

Power wanted Elle, and he was determined to do whatever it took to get and keep her. He refused to let his ex, Trina, or her ex, Rico, stand in the way of that. When it seemed as if they were free of their case of the exes, they found themselves faced with two obstacles that seem impossible to overcome – themselves.

Elle’s fear of loving and losing and Power’s secret has the potential to rip them apart before love truly cements them together. Will they succeed in sabotaging the relationship that they both desperately need? Or will they get out of their own way and allow themselves to be loved by one another unconditionally?

Read Power and Elle’s story to find out!

Power and Elle

Click here to purchase!

In my feelz…

In my feelz…

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I’m a few hours away from uploading my 10th fiction book… 15th total and I’m battling such a draining and negative energy.

His Piece of Peace did tremendously well.

Teach Me how to Love Again wasn’t as well received… but those that did read it loved it.

Now I’m getting ready to publish Power and Elle and I just feel bad.

I feel like a robot. I feel like I’m on autopilot. I wake up. I write. I edit. I interact with people via social media. And then the next day I start all over again.

When I imagined my life as a fulltime Author, I saw myself making enough money to pay my bills, save, and travel all over the world. I would go to churches and schools and book club meetings and talk to women about womanhood. Love. Relationships. Beauty. I saw myself being fulfilled. I saw myself impacting people’s lives in a positive way.

I saw myself traveling with cases of my books. Setting up shop. Interacting with my readers. Signing copies. Taking pictures.

I saw myself walking into libraries and black owned bookstores and seeing shelves filled with my books.

My backup plan was to be a Teacher who traveled on every break to promote my books and reach my readers.

And if all else failed and no one wanted to read my work I would be a Housewife who wrote for me and God lol.

But in this age of Ebooks it’s so easy to lose perspective and get caught up in charts and #1 spots and sales and downloads and…… it all becomes so mechanical.

My truest pleasure comes from the reviews. From people telling me that something that I created touched them. I don’t know… I guess Ebooks seem so unpersonal. I feel like I’m disconnected from my dreams. Like… I’m watching myself live it from the outside looking in… but I’m not fully experiencing it the way I thought I would.

I can’t imagine how crazy I sound. I’ve had great success since my first release November of last year. I’ve started my own publishing company. I’m not complaining at all. I guess I just want more. I want to experience all this journey has to offer me.

I don’t know where this journey is going to take me. No, I know where this journey is going to take me. It’s going to take me where I take me. 2017 will be my year of traveling and networking and connecting with my readers. 2017 will be my year of poetry sets and open mic nights. 2017 will be my year of alkalining my body and getting every area of my life prosperous and right.

2016 may be the year of Ebooks for me… but my God… 2017 I will be the Author I always dreamed of being. I have to be. I just have to be.

 

Relationships help or hinder you. Their effect is your choice.

Relationships help or hinder you. Their effect is your choice.

Here’s a chapter from my book Heart on My Fingers: Tips for love, lust, and other stuff. The official release date is 4.26.19 but you can preorder it today!

Click here to preorder!

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One of the simplest ways for me to put this is this – unhealthy, toxic, and idolatrous relationships can hinder or help you; just as much as healthy relationships can help or hinder you. It all depends on your perspective and your actions.

What makes me say that? I’ve been in more unhealthy relationships than I have healthy relationships. I could have either allowed those relationships to hinder me and keep me all down and out. Depressed and insecure. Bitter and mad at men and the world. Continuing a cycle of bad decisions and relationships. Or, I could have allowed them to help me and make me better. Show me what I want and don’t want. Show me who I am and what I need to work on. Create a platform for me to help others because of everything that I’ve gone through. I chose to allow those unhealthy relationships to help me.

A healthy relationship can help you or hinder you as well. You may be thinking… how can a healthy relationship hinder you? Well to be completely honest… if my relationships were all healthy and cupcakes and roses I would have had absolutely no desire to write this book. To write poetry. To study the word of God. To understand myself as a woman. Sometimes love can sustain us so fully that it makes us stagnant in other areas of our lives; but pain teaches us lessons and motivates us to do things we wouldn’t focus on if we were happy and at peace.

Since I’ve broken down to you what toxic and idolatrous relationships are about let me give you a quick lesson on healthy relationships.

There are three basic truths that were established in the first three chapters of Genesis regarding relationships.

We are made to have relationships. First with God and then with others. Genesis 2:18

You have a choice in your relationships. You might not be able to choose your family but you can choose your friends and romantic partners. You might not be able to choose what people say and do to you but you can choose how you respond. Genesis 3

You must take responsibility for yourself. Genesis 2 and 3

Three keys to healthy relationships:

Take responsibility for your heart and emotions and control of your life.

Remove unrealistic expectations.

Communicate your love languages, weaknesses, fears, wants, needs and etc.

Relationship: The state of being connected. A bond. A union. An association.

Who are you bonding yourself to???

We were created to have a relationship with God and with others. When God created Eve she was created to be Adam’s companion, helper, and savior from loneliness.

What I love about the creation of Eve is that it was done WHEN GOD saw that it wasn’t good for Adam to be alone. It was after Adam had spent some alone time with God, developed a personal relationship with Him, done some work, and gotten established on his own. And WHEN GOD created Eve he took some of Adam to form Eve and then returned that portion of himself to Adam to complement and complete him.

Adam was inactive in the process of Eve. He didn’t search for her, nor did Eve run before God and seek Adam out. Adam was asleep and when God was finished with Eve He presented her to Adam. And Adam had the wisdom to know she was his from God.

Genesis 3 shows us that we are wired for deep unconditional love and fulfilling relationships, but when Adam and Eve sinned, their relationship with God was broken and that strain has caused broken relationships between us and God today. And our relationships with other humans. Now, we have a mix of good and evil.

Sin. Shame. Blame. Brokenness. Selfishness. Pride. Power trips.

It is impossible for us to have a relationship with God living in habitual sin, but because of Jesus we are given the opportunity to be saved from our sin and be reconciled to God; and we are able to have a personal, intimate and healthy relationship with Him and others.

We as humans have a tendency to be selfish when it comes to love and relationships. We are more concerned with what we get than what we are giving. We want people to validate us and make us happy when only God can. We expect people to fix us… and our problems. We expect relationships to give us value and the perfect love. We place these HEAVY and UNREALISTIC expectations on people to satisfy our needs for love and relation when those desires are to be filled by God. God is love in us.

When God fills us with His love it overflows out of us and onto others, and this selfless exchange of giving and receiving God’s love is what creates life giving, healthy, godly relationships.

The best relationships have God at its center and foundation, and the closer you get to God the closer you will get to your spouse.

It’s natural to desire a perfect love, but we will never receive a perfect love from imperfect people.

Get your fill from God. Accept His love and love Him. Let Him pour His love into your heart, then you won’t go to humans thirsty for love. That thirst is what leads to sin, disappointment, and toxic idolatrous relationships. We go to someone with high expectations and unmet needs and expect them to work a miracle in our lives.

It’s not so common to deny self. To put others first. To desire to give rather than receive. To care for the needs of others rather than ourselves. That is exactly what Christ calls us to do. That is necessary for healthy godly relationships. Instead of being self-motivated put others first. Instead of being self-centered be Christ-centered. God shows us goodness and mercy daily and that is the foundation of Jesus’s golden rule. It’s not about getting even. It’s not about us tending to our needs and desires. It’s about following Jesus’s commands and trusting God to give us the desires of our hearts as we live and love obediently.

Because we have been forgiven it is our duty to forgive others.

Another way to have peaceful healthy relationships is to forgive and not hold on to grudges. We are to be compassionate, gracious, humble, and slow to anger and judge. The less we harbor ill feelings and emotions the more room we’ll have for peace and love.

We are commanded to love others because of the love Christ has poured in us. Godly love is not based on feelings and desires but on the enabling of the Holy Spirit as a part of the fruit of the Spirit. Godly love in relationships is about loving when we’ve been done wrong. Loving when it hurts. Loving when you’re angry. Loving when they don’t deserve it. That type of love is what glorifies God.

When we have a right relationship with God we are graced with the opportunity and duty to have right relationships with others. (2 Corinthians 5:16-20) Yes… we are to have our OWN PERSONAL relationship with God. It shouldn’t be based on religion you grew up hearing about. It should be based on your own personal experience with God. Not your Pastor’s, your family’s, or even your spouses.

Right living and healthy relationships are cultivated when you have this right relationship with God and have accepted His grace and began to believe in and live for Jesus. (Romans 14:22-23 MSG)

Broken relationships can hinder our relationship with God. If ever you have a problem with someone quickly resolve the issue. Just as God has forgiven and forgotten our sins and transgressions so should we forgive those who sin against us.  Not only does sin break our fellowship with God but it also blocks our vision of Him. And His will for us. It’s like a brick wall that we expect Him to just look over for us. If we want to have total fellowship with God we have to allow Jesus to remove all sin from our lives. We have to strive to live holy and peaceful[1] lives.

[1] Be soft on the person, but hard on the problem.

A letter to my future husband…

A letter to my future husband…

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🙂 <- that right there… that’s genuine. That’s a smile at just the thought of you. For the past week or so I’ve been on this, ‘wholeness’ journey. Becoming a better me for you. Preparing myself for you. I’ve learned a lot about myself in the process. The main thing being how difficult it has been in the past for me to celebrate myself and acknowledge my growth; but today I did just that. Today, I realized that I’m content in my singleness. I’m content in this time of preparation and wholeness. I’ve accepted that right now is the time for me to better me. To hustle and stack my bread. To chase my dreams. To write my books. To clear my skin and whiten my teeth. To thicken my thighs and round out my booty 🙂 hahaha. It’s the truth though! I’m so happy right now in my singleness because I know that I’m so close to running across you as I walk this path to God.

I don’t know if you think about me, but I think about you. I pray for you. I smile just at the thought of you. You can’t imagine how I’m going to act when we meet. I’m so ready to see you. Become your friend. Gain access to your heart, mind, soul, and spirit. I committed myself to a life of celibacy to prepare for you. Not just physically, but mentally and emotionally as well. I’m not giving another man access to what’s yours within me. How can I be whole for you if I keep giving pieces of myself away? Alls I know is you better be doing the same! Don’t let me find out you out here playing around and giving away what rightfully belongs to me. I don’t think you are, though. I’m sure you’re committed to becoming better just like me. I’m sure you’re somewhere living this dope artistic spiritual fulfilling life. I’m sure you aren’t even thinking about me because you’re asleep… waiting for God to finish working on me. God, I can’t wait until I see your face. I can’t help but wonder how you’re going to look and feel when you look at me and wake up from your sleep.

I don’t know how much longer it’s going to take… but I know we’re both worth the wait. I wrote a poem for you a little while ago called The Vow. I probably won’t be able to ever recite it for you 🙂 so I’ll just leave it here…

The Vow

And they each left a hole in my soul

That I pray one day you’ll peep through

To satisfy my craving and my need for you

To be the one who sees right through me

Flesh, flaws and all and accepts me

Because I am a mirrored reflection of you

Your counterpart

Your rib and protector of your heart

I want to lose myself in you

And allow you access to find yourself in me

So in order to prepare myself for you accept this as my vow of celibacy

Not just from sex but mentally and emotionally

I’m not giving what’s yours within me to another man

Baby I’m saving me

You’re the last man I want to know intimately

See

I understand that a man spends his days trying to stay between a woman’s thighs trying to get back to the nurture and love and bond he experienced with his mother before he left her womb so I promise you that after we say I do even in the image of two becoming one, one will be too big of a number to express how close we’ll be but we will be the infinity between 0 and 0.1

I want our minds to intertwine in such a way that throughout the day I can’t tell if I’m thinking for me or you let your voice seep into my subconscious and whisper your words into my heart when distance keeps us apart

I want to show you that ugly side of me emotionally where I bear my soul and you see the cuts scars and wounds from men before you and you choose to pull up the roots and love the pain out of me baby love the pain out of me see me see me so intimately that you see in to me and see that I don’t know how to love any way other than hard and passionately and let it consume you make you feel like the King you are to know that a Queen adores you

I want to pray with you star and eye gaze with you lock hands in silent romance and speak no words for hours because our vibe speaks volumes and lips opening is unnecessary unless it is to kiss

I even want to watch football with you and ask you 50 questions until I annoy you and you finally pull me into your lap and hush me never will you rush me to commit because you understand my fear of losing the men I love no you just…love me love me with all that is within you transferred within me

I don’t know who you are or what’s taking you so long they say home is where the heart is baby I’m ready to come home I’m tired of

Living heartless

Find me

See me see me so intimately that you see in to me

In all of my vulnerability and transparency

And be my warrior be brave enough to stay

Because it’s not going to be easy making your way through this dark cold cave

That I call my heart

But when you awaken the love within me I promise you I’ll be the perfect ending to a beginning that I can’t wait to start.